In the days that followed, Alex and Claudia’s connection intensified. They were in the centre of a perfect storm, both knowing that at any minute, the walls around them could come crashing down.
Both were aware of the dangerous ground they were treading on, particularly Claudia, who knew that with every word she exchanged with Alex, she was one step closer to the tipping point in her marriage.
Claudia wanted nothing more than to run – to pack her bags, close the front door, get into her car, and drive away from the life that no longer served her, but she knew that could never happen. She was shackled to the contract of an empty, failed marriage, and she knew that Gareth would no sooner kill her than let her go.
Alex was acutely aware of the risk of any deeper contact, be it in the flesh or otherwise. He ached to dial her number, to hear her voice as she answered the telephone, and to simply say, “Guess who?”
In an attempt to ground himself, he started sculpting a work of art in the background, a picture of a time when they would be reunited, free from the shackles of their past, an erotic love thriller of epic proportions.
∞
August 20th, 20:51 pm
Alex Winterton
My darling Claudia, I really struggled to sleep last night – I had thoughts of you running through my head, and I kept tossing and turning. I cannot even begin to explain this tantalising excitement that has flooded my core since you came back into my life.
There is this weird thing going on with Christine of late: I have really been battling with my feelings and have been very conscious of hers, trying to give her the strength she needs (there is a very long story here, and this one I will only tell you in person), but over the past couple of days she has been picking up on my stronger sense of self, and it is making her feel very uneasy. Right now, as I am typing this, I am not sure if I should be telling you this – I feel as if I am betraying her by doing so.
Today, we had a bad exchange. I had to come home early because she had gone into what seemed like a deep depression. We spoke, and there were tears, and then we spoke some more. As I was saying, though, I kept thinking of you. I think it’s all the things we were chatting about, especially all the stuff from Saturday and Sunday; it was truly deep and involved.
I must still mention to you – and I know we have touched on this, and you need not reply, but I just need to get it out there – but it really does pain me that you and Gareth are not one hundred percent in your happy place. It is really sad when couples lose that connection and just can’t make it work beyond a point.
I’ll be hanging around here for the next while, hoping that I might see something from you.
By the way, do you use Skype?
∞
August 20th, 22:07 pm
Claudia Stevenson
Do I use Skype? What I wouldn’t do to hear your voice. I have little electric prickles going through my body just imagining it.
Having said that, though, we would have to be very careful if we took the step to chat in a live environment…
August 20th, 22:19 pm
Alex Winterton
Don’t worry. I wouldn’t phone you online. I think the pressure would be immense, and I wouldn’t put you through that. We can just type to each other.
Send me your details, and I’ll do the rest.
∞
Claudia felt as if she had taken a freefall dive off a cliff. She sent Alex a contact request, and within seconds, Alex’s first real-time message appeared on her monitor.
Alex: Hey you!
Claudia: Oh my God, there you are! This feels so surreal.
Alex: Well, my sexy cyber soul mate, this is totally real and happening.
Claudia: Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we’d be talking to each other like this.
Alex: Me neither. But I am glad we are.
Claudia: Alex, I really want to say how sorry I am about what happened between you and Christine today. It doesn’t sound good.
Alex: Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s all pretty intense at the moment, but I guess we are both focussed on the end goal, and we can’t allow ourselves to become derailed in the process.
Claudia: Gareth and I have said about ten words to each other tonight. We’re miles away from the end goal!
Alex: Are you sure things can’t improve for you and Gareth?
Claudia: Alex, I don’t know, honestly. I actually don’t know how to even begin to explain. I am caught between a rock and a hard place, literally. I keep thinking that moving out to the countryside will fix everything, but the more I think about it and the dynamics of our marriage, the more I know that it is not the solution. There are deeper issues which neither of us see eye to eye on. The only common goal we share at the moment is selling our house, building our dream house, and our children, and we hardly see eye to eye over them either. It’s just so damn tiring. He wants me to love him, but I can’t. There’s no love left. There’s nothing about him that excites me anymore. It’s so sad to have to say it, but I really believe that he deserves better – someone who is more on his wavelength than I am.
Alex: You know what, this is so weird… your words describe exactly what Christine feels about our marriage
Claudia: I feel guilty sitting here talking to you (even though I love it so much) because I wish I could be talking to him like this, but it’s like there is this huge brick wall that I’ve built up between him and me.
Alex: I wish things weren’t so complicated. I mean, you feel that you need more from Gareth, and Christine feels she needs more from me. I know in my heart I have tried all I can and then some. How does a person turn things around?
Claudia: I’ve been trying to fix things for years, Alex. I’m not a difficult person, but I cannot tolerate the verbal abuse any longer. I don’t know if it’s possible to turn things around. Even our friends have picked up on Gareth and I. Everyone can see what is going on. Gareth simply won’t accept that he is just as responsible for this mess as I am.
Alex: I know that feeling. The thing that is in my space the most is that we will eventually have so many people to tell – people who have always known us as a couple.
Claudia: Yes, I know, that is going to be difficult. Shit, it’s hectic. I wish I could wave a wand and have this all behind me. Right now, I’m worried about how this is going to impact everybody’s lives. It is so damn scary.
Alex: Okay, guess what? I refuse to allow either of us to go off to bed on this extremely solemn note, so let’s both close our eyes and send each other a virtual hug.
Claudia: You’ll have to give me a second to mop up the tears.
Alex: No, now come on, my sexy cyber soul mate, I can’t have you being upset. Now, close your eyes.
Claudia: Eyes are closed.
Alex: Imagine me kissing you on each of your eyelids. Feel my love for you right now.
Claudia: That’s beautiful, Alex. Thank you.
Alex: You’re so welcome.
Alex: PS… I sifted through your photos on Facebook tonight.
Claudia: Oh yes? And?
Alex: It was such fun, actually. You have really beautiful boys.
Claudia: Thank you, Alex. You are one gorgeous human being, do you know that?
Alex: Thank you! You’re pretty special yourself.
Claudia: I wish you could see the smile on my face right now.
Alex: I can feel it.
Alex: Okay, don’t make me beat you. Off to bed with you!
Claudia: Okay then, sweet dreams, you sweet person.
Alex: Night, night
∞
Claudia locked the door to her office and walked upstairs. She knelt down beside Ross and Kyle as they lay sleeping in their beds and kissed them both on their foreheads. She hated herself for the double life she was living, and deep down, she knew that there was going to come a time when enough was enough – something had to give.
She woke up the next morning, and Gareth rolled over and looked her in the eyes.
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Claudia,” he said sleepily.
August 21st, 7:25 am
Claudia Stevenson
Alex, I cannot begin to tell you how much you are consuming my thoughts. The more I think about you, the more I have to pinch myself to remind myself that you are real. You are still the same boy that I fell in love with all those years ago, yet you seem so different. I really love the person you have become.
I know we went over Christine and you and Gareth and I last night, but I must just say once again how freaky it is that we are basically sitting in the same situation, both feeling guilty because of the strength we are drawing from each other. It is immensely powerful, so much so that I think we both feel that we almost have an edge over our situations.
Gareth knows something is up. This morning, he told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Why would he say something like that when deep down he is so unhappy in our marriage? He’s always moaning about how much I’ve changed. He says he’s proud of who I’ve become but can’t understand why there’s no closeness between us, even though I’ve told him why so many times. I swear he thinks I’m making things up.
On Friday night, we went out for pizzas with the boys, and I bumped into a friend who is going through a divorce but who seemed incredibly happy. I was telling Gareth about her, and he looked at me and said, “Is that what you want? A divorce?”
So I said, “Maybe, or perhaps a six-month break”.
He laughed and said that there was no way in hell that I could live without him for six months.
Sometimes, I think he is so conceited.
∞
August 21st, 9:55 am
Alex Winterton
Falling asleep last night was no easy task at all. Thoughts of you consumed me, too.
Young lady, seventeen years ago, I was a young and immature punk with very little, if any, focus at all. It was all about going out with mates and getting as drunk as possible. Today, you are being re-introduced to a well-groomed, intelligent, keenly focused young man.
As for the spouse’s saga, I sense your frustration, and for that, I am truly sorry, but at the same time, I am glad that we can share this part of our lives with each other.
I am so happy with us right now. In fact, you have no idea…
∞
August 21st, 18:10 pm
Claudia Stevenson
I like the description of the New You. I didn’t quite ever see you as the young, immature punk you described, but I totally love the man you have become!
You think you’re happy? I’m totally and blissfully elated. I am still pinching myself that we’re here – that you’re here, in my life, in a way that I never dreamed possible.
∞
It was hardly noticeable at first, but the pounding walls that surrounded the eye of that perfect storm had begun to gain momentum.
Tips of white were forming on the crests of the waves that surrounded Alex and Claudia as they tried to escape. Escape from their current lives. To see the sun shine again. To feel the gentle breeze of the ocean dance between them.
The sky grew dark, and the sun clenched her golden rays into her fist. The black swan had begun its approach…
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