Chapter 2

Seventeen Years Earlier

The great enigma of life is its circle of often unintended beginnings and incongruent endings that, over time, loop around into new and yet completely unforeseen beginnings and endings. Circumstances that flow backwards and forwards like waves in the ocean, sometimes gentle and serene but other times tumultuous and unsettling as they crash into the shoreline like an angry fist pummels a table.

Occasionally a restless and impatient current will pull you backwards away from safety, sucking you into a dark abyss of swirling water while you scramble for safety as sharp rocks and seaweed pull away from under your desperate grip as you are washed further and further away from the shore.

Claudia found herself walking into the sea of her life, scrunching the sand under her toes and allowing the gentle tide to pull the straws of sand out from under her feet.

For seventeen years, Claudia’s diary had remained tucked away in the back of a cupboard like a time capsule waiting to be reopened. It was her diary from her final year of school, a time when she had documented a period in her life when she had met a shy young man with stars in his eyes who captured her heart and her soul and sent her on an emotional rollercoaster of undiscovered truths and painful reckonings.

The relationship ended as quickly as it had begun as Claudia walked away from Alex with a chasmal hole in her heart. Their lives had been crushed by the merciless hand of Fate, who had decided that the timing for their souls to be together hadn’t been quite right.

But a new script was being written to bring them together again.

As one year flowed into another, Claudia would often come across her diary and secretly open it up to travel back in time. She would find herself catching her breath as she saw his name written in her handwriting on those yellowing pages. How she longed to see him again…

Claudia’s sister Elizabeth – who was eleven years younger than her – had been begging Claudia to sign up for the 2007’s latest craze: Facebook.

Claudia was in her early thirties, and even though she was proud of being an “early adopter”, she really didn’t see what all the fuss was about, thinking that it was more of a social spot for teens than a hangout for old friends and lovers, and had put off signing up for some time.

Eventually, however, she conceded to the relentless demands of her over-enthusiastic sister, and before she knew it, she had her own profile and was signing up to interest groups and hunting down old friends.

She joined the group for her high school, wondered for a moment whether Alex had perhaps signed up, searched for a few minutes, found nothing, and moved on.

She didn’t think for one second that he’d been searching for her for all this time until one day, out of the blue, she read his message in her Inbox.

It was a message she had been waiting half her life for.

It began with the words, “Were we once?…”

Her heart was pounding in her chest. Her pulse was racing, her inner tide was rising, and she wasn’t sure whether she should swim for shore or let it take her out to sea. Her fingers trembled above the keyboard. She held her breath as she clicked through to his profile.

And there he was. Her boy. Her childhood sweetheart. How had she missed him when she searched for him before? Oh, it was his middle name, she realised; he had used his full name on his profile.

Alex Rhys Winterton

She took his name in, one word at a time.

She scoured his profile for clues about his life. Was he married? Did he have children? Where in the world had he ended up?

She went back to his message.

Reply. Click.

She started typing…

29 July, 9:45 am
Claudia Stevenson

Alex, of course, I remember you! It feels so surreal typing to you right now after all these years.

Yes, I am married, as I see you are, too. I’ve been married to Gareth for twelve years now, and we share two children, both boys. Ross is six years old, and Kyle is eleven.

It really is amazing reconnecting with you again; I’ve often wondered how you are and what you have been up to. I would love to hear more about your life since we left off, so please write back soon.

∞

She closed her eyes and submitted her reply, wondering if and when he would write again.

Every day, she checked her inbox, but each one yielded the same result: nothing.

Hours became days, days drifted into weeks, and then, one day, there was a message…

11 August, 22:52 pm
Alex Winterton

Hi Claudia,

I am so glad to have made contact with you! It has been far too many years, and so many memories have come rushing back to me.

As for the wondering, I’ve pretty much done the same over the years.

I am married – correct – to Christine, and have been now for nearly six years. No children of our own yet – we are just focusing on our various businesses and passions.

And you? I assume life treats you well and that you have all the things you have desired for yourself?

I am really looking forward to hearing more from you.

A temporary cheers for now…

Claudia’s excitement at her reconnection with Alex was palpably absurd, but at the same time, it felt so damn right. She found herself questioning her life and her happiness while Alex consumed more and more of her thoughts.

Since her relationship with Denise, Claudia had promised Gareth that she would never keep anything from him again or allow anything to threaten their marriage. She had been working hard to put the pieces back together again, but she often felt that all she had been left with was shards and splinters of a life that was trapped in a perfect storm.

And now there was Alex.

She felt responsible for the breakdown in her marriage, and Gareth continued to remind her of her innocent infidelity.

How she wished she could find that same love that she had experienced with Denise with her husband. But his scathing tongue continued to push her further away from him, and Claudia started to feel herself being pulled into the swell of the possibility of a rekindled love from nearly two decades before.

Claudia had to force herself from digressing into an unrealistic world of fantasy and romance and deposit herself back on the shore of her life.

But there was someone awaiting a reply from her. There was a lifetime of catching up to do. There was so much that she wanted to say. So much that she needed to say.

12 August, 7:47 am
Claudia Stevenson

I am really thrilled to have reconnected with you again, Alex.

So, where did you and Christine meet up? Anyone I know?

Gareth and I met when I was nineteen. I was going through a rough time at home, and I ended up leaving and moving in with him a few months later. We tied the proverbial knot after four years, and Kyle was born a year later.

I started my own business shortly after that, and Ross was born two years later. Looking back, although it was hectic at the time – building a business and starting a family – it has been so worth the sacrifice. You obviously know what I mean, running your own businesses too. Now, I’m just trying to get more balance in my life.

We bought a holiday house out at a dam in the countryside two years ago (just after my mom passed away – not sure if I ever told you about her and her illness), when I realised life was too short to spend working twenty-four seven. We then decided that this was the lifestyle we wanted permanently, so we put our house on the market, and we’re going to be building our dream home in the same estate just as soon as our house sells. I’m visualising starting our new life, and I am sure it will happen before the end of this year.

Do I have all the things I desire for myself? Well, not just yet. Getting there slowly, I guess, one step at a time! And you?

I still can’t believe that I am typing to you. You won’t believe how many times I’ve thought about you over the years. It’s such a pity we lost touch!

Remember all the fun we had together? Remember our first date at the ice rink where you had to hold me up the whole way around? I’ll never forget that night at your place when your mom walked in on us; even though we were fully clothed and behaving ourselves as much as two teenagers under their parents’ roof could, I nearly died of embarrassment!

By the way, how are your parents?

I cannot wait to hear from you. Please don’t keep me waiting so long this time.

∞

Claudia sat at her desk and smiled to herself. He sounded so different. So mature. In a strange way, their individual commitments to other people and the distance afforded by this digital interface offered a measure of safety where each could explore the other’s world without any fear of trespassing into forbidden territory.

The following morning, Claudia found a new message waiting for her from Alex in her inbox.

12 August, 23:43 pm
Alex Winterton

Hi again,

The memories are coming back to me hard and fast. I pretty much remember all our dates. Speaking of which, do you know how difficult it was for me to ask you out on a date the first time?

I remember the walks we used to take from my place to the mall down the road; the ice-skating (or attempts there at) grin…

My ice-skating skills have deteriorated over the years, especially at the thought of landing face-first – or on my butt.

As for getting caught by my mom, I don’t think I could ever forget… but then again, you and I had a particular knack for getting caught. If you don’t remember the two other occasions, let me remind you: One was at our favourite place: the rooftop of the mall – by a security guard (oh, how I know you must be blushing by now), and the other was at a party in the bathroom with the lights off almost having the door banged down by somebody on the other side (at this stage you should be red in the face – grin.)

I remember our recess breaks at school, where we sat and chatted, and I was always too shy to eat my lunch in your presence. I remember our favourite meeting spot, where you always waited for me on the walkway. I remember how my heart would skip a bit every time I saw you standing there.

I must apologise for taking so long to reply to you the first time. I don’t go on to Facebook very often – however, that has changed – I have a real reason to log on now.

I’m really sorry to hear about your mom. What was wrong with her? You never spoke about her.

My parents separated many years ago, and my dad and I, well, we don’t talk. In fact, I haven’t seen him since the day I came out of the army fifteen years ago. We had a terrible fallout – a rather sad one that.

Did you meet Gareth while you were studying at university?

Christine and I met at a New Year’s function in 1998. It was through mutual friends. We have been together ever since, and I proposed to her in Tel Aviv on my birthday six years ago.

Your new home and your new life sound really awesome. Keep up with the visualising; it is the only way to succeed in life and achieve what you really want.

As for desires, well, I guess that’s what keeps driving us, hey? I think I, too, am slowly getting there. I have a lot of ambitious goals at the moment. It could be an age thing, but I am looking for quality in everything I do of late.

So, how is all of that for a catch-up? And I didn’t even keep you holding on for it. There’s a lot more that I would love to hear from you.

Okay, so tag, you’re it! I cannot wait.

∞

Claudia was surprised at how much Alex remembered. All this time, she had never realised that she had been as important in his life as he had been in hers. When they broke up, Alex had walked away and continued with his life as if there had never been anything between them, and even though it had been Claudia who initiated the breakup, she was the one who was left with the broken heart.

Reading Alex’s words left her with a lump in her throat and a longing to hear more of his memories. Memories that, to Claudia, were a reassurance that not all had been lost.

Gareth was oblivious to the shift in Claudia’s world, and Claudia’s heart ached, knowing that she was once again treading on forbidden ground. She had wandered too far down this path, and she was being drawn into the light like a moth to a flame. She could not turn herself around and walk back to where she had started out.

13 August, 21:05 pm
Claudia Stevenson

Wow, what memories…Going red with embarrassment, let’s try crimson!

There was so much chemistry between the two of us, Alex. I have always said that one of my big regrets with you was that things never went further between us – if you know what I mean. I just had some stupid issues that I was dealing with at the time.

Wow, I’ve waited a long time to tell you that!

Even though it’s seventeen years later, Alex, I have never forgotten you. You were a very special part of my life, my soul mate, and it took me a very, very long time to get over you.

I’ll always remember that last Christmas party at the clothing store where we worked together over the weekends. We were all dancing (you were dating someone else then – I think you were engaged to her, actually), and the song “Sacrifice” by Elton John came on, and one of our workmates pushed you and me together on the dance floor. We both felt so awkward, but you put your arms around me and pulled me close to you, and we danced to the rhythm of the music. I felt electrified as your skin touched mine, and I felt your soft breath on my forehead. It was the saddest dance of my life.

When the song ended, we both looked into each other’s eyes, not wanting to separate our grasp, but then we did, you turned and walked away and didn’t look back. I felt as if I’d sacrificed my soul to the devil – I wanted you back so much. So, needless to say, every time I hear that song, I think of that dance, and you, and everything we lost.

I don’t think I ever told you about my mom. She died of Huntington’s Disease, a genetic disease that she inherited from her mother. It slowly destroys the person’s mind and body, eating away at it until there is nothing left.

I lost touch with her for many years and then discovered her living in a hellhole in a dingy part of town, being beaten daily by a man she’d befriended. He sold all her precious possessions – her books, her furniture, everything he could lay his hands on, to buy booze and feed his drug addiction.

She was living off the kindness of the Salvation Army, who brought food to her every day, and he sold that too.

I eventually called the social workers in, and she was committed to a mental asylum, later moving to a sanatorium where she lived out her days in their Frail Care section. There wasn’t really anything that anybody could do for her other than make her comfortable. She was there for about four years before she died.

I visited her shortly before she passed away, and she was lying in a child’s cot, a shrivelled-up remnant of a once beautiful woman, shouting and screaming at people who weren’t even there. She was trapped in schizophrenia, and her lucid moments were few and far between. It was terribly sad.

Yes, I remember your dad. I always liked him. I’m so sorry you had a fallout. What happened? And how is your mom? You didn’t mention her?

My dad and I didn’t speak for about four years after I left home. I got myself a part-time job and moved in with Gareth. I only started speaking to my parents when Kyle was born; it was quite weird how he brought us all together.

I think it’s time for me to sign off now. Gareth is going to start wondering why I’m still in the office, and the last thing I need is for him to find out I am pouring out my life story to the long-lost love of my life! So, I will carry on tomorrow, promise!

Claudia logged out of Facebook, looked out at the night sky, and sighed. Had she said too much? She listened and watched as an ambulance siren punctuated the quiet night air and moved quickly up the road. Red blue. Red blue. Red blue.

She locked her office door and tiptoed into the house. Gareth was snoring softly in bed, and she carefully slipped in beside him. She closed her eyes and placed her hand over her heart. Alex. How could something that was so wrong feel so right?

The following morning, Claudia woke early and went through to her office, hoping that Alex had replied. Her heart skipped a beat when she found his unread message waiting for her.

13 August, 22:45 pm
Alex Winterton

No ways! There is absolutely no way that I was expecting you to reply tonight! Not only did you reply, but you quickly whipped up an intense response!

On the deep comments regarding you and me, I also felt the same and wondered “what if” many times, both during our time together as well as afterwards. Remember, nothing is ever too late. The Universe has a perfect sense of timing – always.

I think with us, we both had our hearts broken in different ways, but chatting to you now and fast-forwarding through the years has made it all so worthwhile and intriguingly interesting. I am really looking forward to catching up with you over time.

As for getting caught, I reckon there’s a section in the Guinness Book of Records that we could enter and quite comfortably win.

Reading about your mom is so very sad. Have you allowed it to rest, or does this still sit heavily with you? It sounds like you really did do the best you could under all the circumstances and, in a little way, made the last years a bit more bearable for her.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a great relationship with my mother. She has an exceptionally bad drinking problem, and the whole thing drives me crazy. I have tried talking to her, but I know that it is always the alcohol talking back. I know I am going to have to deal with this – and her – before it’s too late, but it is a really big challenge for me.

Just a thought – it’s so weird how we haven’t spoken in years, and here we are both pouring our hearts out to one another and chatting like good old friends.

Until the morning then and the next time I hear from you, keep safe and sleep tight…

∞

“Remember, nothing is ever too late...”

Claudia read the words over and over again, wondering what Alex had meant. Her mind was in a whirl.

14 August, 6:14 am
Claudia Stevenson

Alex, I totally agree with you about divine timing. Perhaps back then, the timing was just not right.

In terms of not having taken things further between us back then, I feel that I must clarify something with you: I slept with a guy I barely knew when I was in high school – long before you and I met and for totally stupid reasons. I think a lot of it stemmed from being insecure and looking for attention and affection in the wrong places. After I realised what I’d done, I made a promise to myself that the next person I took that step with would be the person I married, and I stuck to my guns on that one. It’s a pity, though, in retrospect, we had some serious chemistry, and there probably would have been a lot of fireworks.

Perhaps in another lifetime, methinks.

Regarding my mom, yes, I have put it all to rest. She suffered for so many years, and her passing away was a relief, as much for me as it was for her. I do, however, have many regrets about the way she died, always wishing that I’d been closer to her at the time and that I’d been more of a daughter to her while I was growing up instead of being embarrassed about her and her disease. Unfortunately, I was only told about the Huntington’s Disease by my dad when I phoned to tell him I was pregnant with Kyle, and he felt that I needed to know then because it was hereditary. It was very traumatic to suddenly have to undergo an amniocentesis, knowing that I might have to make a decision to terminate the pregnancy if Kyle had the gene. Fortunately, he was fine. I was tested for the disease after he was born, and I had not inherited the gene either.

I do miss having a mother around, though, and I never found that closeness with my stepmother, but that’s all part of the big picture. Had I not been through what I went through and not had her as my mother, I would be in a very different place today.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mom! Was she drinking while you and I were together? I always thought there was something strange about her, but I never thought it was that. I completely understand where you are at. Gareth’s dad is also an alcoholic, and it causes huge family stress. He doesn’t realise how much his personality changes when he drinks and how he upsets everyone. I am always threatening to get a video camera out and film him in action so that he can see how much damage he does when he drinks.

I really feel for you. It’s not a nice place to be. It’s different when it’s a friend – you can just cut them out of your life, but not when it’s a parent.

My best friend’s father died about eight years ago – he was also an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis of the liver. Not only was he a chronic alcoholic, but he was also a hobo. He lived on the street and ate from the hands of kind strangers. It was terrible.

You asked where Gareth and I met. We actually met at a New Year’s party at a friend’s house, but he was engaged to somebody else at the time. He broke his engagement off three months later, and we began dating. He was with me through all my troubles at home and helped me through so much that I would never have handled on my own. One thing led to another, and the next thing I knew, we were moving in together and planning a wedding a few years later.

He’s a good person.

I was just re-reading your last message and thought how funny it is that we were both feeling the same about each other, yet neither of us did anything about it. It was as if there was never any closure between us. As I’ve said before, there was always something about us that kept you in a very special place in my heart. And just the fact that we can reconnect like this and just talk and talk and talk is quite incredible. Gareth would probably kill me if he knew, as he is the insanely jealous type.

I cannot wait to hear from you again.

∞

Claudia thought about that other life she had referred to. Connecting with Alex on such a deep level was stirring up confusing thoughts and emotions in her heart. She knew that in a few hours, she would be receiving a new message from him, and she tossed and turned in bed that night, praying for the morning light to stream in through her bedroom window.

14 August, 23:02 pm
Alex Winterton

Claudia, I must tell you that my focus has completely flown out of the window. I had a totally crazy day, in and out of meetings non-stop, and all I could think about was you and getting back to catching up. I was never this hooked on Facebook until now. It’s like a drug, but it’s the fix of you that I’m continually after.

I still cannot believe that we are actually chatting; it’s really as if the years never happened. It feels like a very short time when, in fact, it’s close to twenty years.

Occasionally, I have to pinch myself to check that I’m awake.

I still remember that last day when you told me you were breaking up with me. We walked from my place to the mall in silence, and your dad was there to fetch you. You drove off, and I just sat there for ages, not knowing what to think.

Claudia, you are somebody that I have never been able to forget. We had many special moments, both in the physical (even with getting caught) and in what I now see as the spiritual. Seventeen years later, there is still a deep connection between us. This is really deep for me, but I feel the energy of what I’m saying flowing through me right now as I type.

Thank you for your honesty and everything you have shared with me, both in the past and in the present.

As for sticking to the promise you made yourself, I am glad you did. As much as the mind and heart wonder about what things might have been like, I know for sure that fireworks would have only been the beginning.

Alex now sits and ponders that thought for some time…

It really sounds as if you and Gareth have a special relationship. His jealousy is probably only because he cares for and treasures the beautiful person he has in his life.

I would never want this renewed connection with us to come between the two of you in any way whatsoever. I hope I am clear on that. And if it ever potentially does, please let me know right away. I mean this, okay?

At this point, I am going to once again submit to my tiredness. There is so much that I want to respond to, and I promise to do so. There is also so much more that I want to hear. Until then, sleep tight.

∞

Claudia’s heart was thumping in her throat as she read and re-read Alex’s words. He had never forgotten her, just as she had never forgotten him.

And as much as she tried to push the thought out of her mind, this was more than just a friendship that had resurfaced.

August 15^th, 7:38 am
Claudia Stevenson

Alex, reading your words makes me wish you were right here and that I could just give you a long overdue hug. I really wish we’d been able to communicate more like this way back when we were seventeen.

I felt so sad reading about the time my dad fetched me from the mall, and you just sat there wondering why we had broken up. I remember that day, too. Part of me was devastated, but the other half longed to make things work.

I hope you don’t mind me re-hashing all of this, but I really feel that so much has been left unsaid, and I’ve carried this with me for so many years.

When you sent me that first Facebook message asking me if I remembered you, I remember thinking to myself, how could I have forgotten you?

All these feelings are making me quite emotional. I’m just so amazed that what I thought was a one-sided connection for all these years has turned out to be a deeply two-sided one.

I shudder to think what would happen now if we had to bump into each other.

Thanks for everything you said about Gareth. Sometimes, the jealousy is totally overwhelming, and it is a huge stumbling block in our relationship. Even though I care for him deeply, I always think that jealousy stems from mistrust. Because of this, I feel that I cannot always tell him everything that is going on in my world because he might read into it the wrong way.

I don’t think that Gareth would know how to deal with the knowledge that you and I have reconnected. He knows that you were a huge and special part of my life, and because of that, I think it would be safer to keep this information away from him for the time being.

Does Christine know that you and I are writing to each other?

I hope that there is no way that somebody could get their hands on these messages and blackmail us!

Gareth had no idea that anything was going on. He was so wrapped up in his own life and his own problems that he could not see beyond that. In the meantime, Claudia kept her distance and spent her hours trying desperately not to drift off into a fantasy world where it was just her and Alex, and everything was perfect.

Alex Winterton
August 16^th, 12:35 am

My dearest Claudia,

Please feel free to hug as much as you would like to. For now, I will accept a virtual hug and return a massive one right back in your direction.

As for having been able to communicate like this while we were at school, I guess it is that whole cosmic timing element once again. I think that as one gets older (or, let’s say, more mature), we get more in touch with who we are as a person and a spiritual being. I also think that inner truth comes more easily, and we also realise just how short life actually is. I, too, wish we had been more connected back then.

I always knew you were emotional, but I guess I probably missed the extent of it. Some of the things you have told me have made me look back in deep contemplation in an attempt to place it all in context.

Claudia, I am truly glad that you feel I am here for you emotionally in the present. It means so much to me, and in a way, it almost seems to make up for the past. I thank you for that, truly. If only you could feel the deep, intense feelings rushing through my body right now.

Please don’t make the mistake or jump to the misconception, even for just one second, that I would not want to be sharing these special moments of our history with you. Our time together was really special for me, and being able to relive it like this is totally amazing and energising for my soul. I look forward to you sharing as much as you can and are able to.

I couldn’t believe it when I found you on Facebook, but I honestly wondered if you would remember me. “Were we once?” was a bit of a cheesy heading for my introduction after seventeen years, but I guess it worked in terms of catching your attention.

I don’t know about bumping into each other in this late stage of the game. If we were to meet now, I guess it would be due to a well-orchestrated arrangement. If we had bumped into each other before this reconnection, something says to me that we would have both been rather polite with one another, said the usual pleasantries, and then been on our way thinking, “Why didn’t I take his (or her) number?” and “I wonder if I’ll ever see him (or her) again?”.

So, come to think of it, the way things have panned out between us has made everything rather interesting and intriguing.

Your feelings have most definitely not been one-sided at all. As I have said a few times, I have often wondered about you.

As for the jealousy thing, I know what you are saying there. I, too – funnily enough – am not the jealous type and with Christine, it has created some challenges. There have been many times where she has accused me of not caring at all. The truth is, I am a rather trusting person, and I don’t believe that you can stop someone from doing something by being jealous.

As for Christine knowing about us, no, she doesn’t, and I don’t believe she would handle this well at all.

So, I guess you and I are in the same boat here.

There is something that I have been debating in terms of whether or not I should mention it, but I feel I need to. When I found you on Facebook, the first place I looked was at the pictures of you. The truth is that, unlike me, you have changed: you’ve gotten way more beautiful! I will admit to sitting and staring at your photos for quite some time…

It is now 00h31 as I finish this, and I will have to be up in three and a half hours. I also know that you should be coming through in about four and a half hours to check in on me and my reply.

I hope you are resting peacefully. It is almost the weekend, and I will have plenty of time to catch up with you then as well.

A brief goodbye until our next encounter…

 ∞

The following morning, Claudia awoke, excited to read the magical lines that she knew had been left for her the night before.

As she read Alex’s words, she felt both exhilarated and guilty. Claudia felt as if she was on a runaway train. The feelings and emotions were pouring out of her heart and her soul, and she felt in no way compelled to hold them back.

It was as if a web of magic had weaved its way into her life, and as much as she knew it was wrong, she smiled and submitted to its enchantment.

∞

August 16th, 8:18 am
Claudia Stevenson

Alex, if it’s any consolation, I couldn’t get you out of my head yesterday. I tossed and turned the whole night, going over our time together and all the things you’ve said to me in the past couple of days and couldn’t help thinking, “What if?”

You and I are similar in so many ways. I always knew there was a deep connection, even back then, but it seems as if we both needed to mature to be able to reconnect on the level we have now.

Alex (big breath as I say this), if you and I were not married, I can guarantee you that I would be sitting with you telling you all of this in person rather than typing it out. And I’m pretty sure you feel the same way. Just as you said in one of your letters, this is deep stuff, and I, too, can feel the energy of what I’m saying coursing through my veins as I type.

I just cannot believe that this is happening. So many years, so many feelings, so many things that should have been said and weren’t, so many tears, and look at us now. I simply cannot get over this, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with all of my feelings right now.

I went back to the house before I started writing to you here, and I took my diary out of the cupboard again. I found so many pages in between the pages that I had not filled in, where I had just written and written about you. I had even stuck extra pages in to write on!

I was so in love with you then, Alex.

It is so funny how we have both got caught up in this conversation. It’s amazing how we both feel this amazing energy between us.

I have been back to your photos on your Facebook page many times. It’s good to see that you’ve looked after yourself and that you haven’t turned out to be a beer-bellied thirty-four-year-old.

You are so right about the jealousy thing: being jealous only complicates things and invites mistrust into a relationship. If two people can be completely open and honest with each other, there should be no reason for jealousy. I sometimes wonder if it’s also not a bit of possessiveness. What Christine says about you not seeming to care is what I hear all the time from Gareth. I am always honest with him and tell him that I do care, very much, in fact, but that it’s very difficult to open my heart to him about my deepest feelings when he is going to be judgemental. I hate to say it, but I think that Gareth has become very insecure, both in and outside of our relationship. He uses money to buy things for himself to make him feel worthy on a material level, and he uses his harsh tongue to bring me down, and in a sad way, it probably gives him a sense of power and control over me.

Do you and Christine have a good relationship? I know I probably shouldn’t be asking these things, but it’s like I finally have the opportunity to get to know you really deeply again, and I want to know everything.

I have also been thinking that perhaps it is better that we keep things like this – virtual – there is way too much chemistry in the mix right now.

It is wonderful that you have developed a passion for writing. I’m an obsessive writer and can also express myself much better in writing than in person. I still want to write my own book one day. I am sure that there are many people out there, like us, who have reconnected and have the most incredible stories to tell. I have been thinking about writing a book called “The Facebook Diaries” and asking people to send me their stories. What do you think?

I cannot wait to hear from you again.

∞

Just a few more hours, Claudia thought. Just a few more hours and Alex would be writing back to her again.

She felt giddy, as if she was standing on the edge of her life, arms outstretched, ready to fall forwards and let the wind catch her and swirl her up and around and float her gently down to earth and into Alex’s arms.

August 17^th, 9:23 am
Alex Winterton

Dearest Claudia, you are so dominating more and more of my thoughts and all in a damn beautiful way, especially while I drive. My mind normally runs off in all directions, but lately, I find myself thinking only of you.

There is so much I wish to tell you, as you already know, but I will get there.

Yes, the energy and blood racing through your veins. I know exactly what you mean because it is happening to me right now.

As for the feelings and the things that were left unsaid between us, I completely agree with the way you are feeling. I, however, look at it this way: You can either get stuck in the past and live in regret and miss out on the present, or you can learn from the past and totally live in the present each and every day and suck out the juice of each moment. This is my personal plan, and it’s something I believe more of us need to do.

Take us, for example. I love this discussion we are sharing. It’s so amazing, and sharing everything we have done and haven’t done is wonderful. I do, however, sense that the “what ifs” pain you deeply, and I cannot allow that to happen to you.

I also wonder “what if” many times, but I know the reality is that no one (no matter who they are) can change the past. And besides that, the past happened for a reason. We were very different people back then. As you rightfully say, we were on different pages of life’s book. I don’t want there to be any pain for you, only joy. It is important that we focus on the great times we shared as that will only stand as a foundation to build on what you and I have once again found with each other.

Claudia, I know you loved me, as I truly loved you, but I honestly never got the sense of your love the way you portray it now. And for that, I guess I am truly sad.

There is so much that I still need to tell you, but I will have to leave you with this brief instalment for now until I write to you again.

∞

With each reply, Claudia felt as if she was getting closer and closer to a new tipping point in her life.

She was trapped in a marriage that was destroying her, and she did not know how to break free from it. She felt so responsible for Gareth’s happiness and could not bear to destroy his fragile state of mind. If anything, she was terrified of the repercussions of walking out of his life, which, in a sad, sadistic way, kept her bound to him and their life together. She had no idea of what this tipping point would bring. She knew that she was naïve to even think that she could ever be with Alex. He was married, too. It would take a miracle for them to be together.

The sadness crept into her heart, her soul aching for an answer.

August 17th, 11:12 am
Claudia Stevenson

Dearest Alex,

You are so right; the “what ifs” are very painful for me, especially knowing that there is still so much of life left to live, and I am now finding myself questioning my own happiness and wondering what choices I may have to make in the future. But I’ve decided that for now, I am going to, as you so rightly say, suck the juice out of this very special moment in my life.

The truth is, Alex, you were honestly one of the best things that ever happened to me, and for me, that is the hardest thing to deal with right now. Every other relationship I had after you, I would compare to our relationship, but none ever quite matched up to our good times and the intense feelings I had for you. You’ve always been in my heart for as long as I can remember, and I always thought to myself that if I were ever single one day, I would look you up, even if I was ninety years old with a Zimmer frame and false teeth!

I certainly didn’t expect us to be writing to each other like this right now, each with another person, with our own lives, yet feeling as if all we want to be is together. So I guess that that really sucks a lot!

Gareth came into my life when I was in crisis mode. He’s an amazing person, and I do love him deeply, but we are very different people from who we were when we met over a decade ago. Back then, we were both on the same level with the same ambitions and desires, but twelve years down the line, we are on completely different paths. I am more spiritual and grounded; he is more earthly and steeped in the past. I look on the bright side of life, while he tends to dwell on the negative. I offer a listening ear and advice where necessary, whereas he tends to be critical and judgemental. Things aren’t the way they used to be, and it really makes me sad. I know that if things were perfect between Gareth and me, I would not have even contemplated having any kind of conversation with you at this stage in my life, never mind all the things I’ve said.

So when I talk about my own happiness, I look at things as they are right now and ask myself whether this is where I want to be in the next ten years. It’s not as if Gareth and I haven’t spoken about this; we talk about it almost every weekend – it’s our only real time together. He knows how I long for more in a relationship, and he does try to meet my high standards, but at the end of the day, we are all who we are, and it’s difficult to change yourself to please someone else.

I believe that if I just take one day at a time, everything will work out the way it should in the greater scheme of things…

I am sure that a time will come when we have caught up with each other completely, but then there will be the fun part of keeping up with the present and the future, so I cannot wait!

Later that afternoon, when her work day was done, Claudia busied herself by packing for a weekend away at their holiday home out in the country. Gareth whistled as he loaded one of the boy’s quad bikes into the back of his truck, and she heard Kyle chattering away to his dad about all the fun they were going to have together over the weekend. Her precious boys. Claudia thought about Alex and her life with Gareth and her feelings for this man who had suddenly reappeared in her life. How was she going to spend a whole weekend with her husband and not let anything slip?